11th day of the new year, 6th work day, 2nd working week..


i need grooming! and of cuz many other materials needs and wants. needs is because i need it so that i can pursue what i intend to. wants is to satisy my emotional needs so that i can continue in my physical struggle.


hehehe.. and i am ashamed. even thou people might tell me not to.


ashamed because im supposedly suppose to possess higher level of understanding and practice of this philosophy/religion im in, thus living a happy life. but it seems not that case. i think i've been doing it wrongly.



i need more struggles.



being a human is such a headache. ouch.



im sick. in the mind for doubting my own innate abilities. (there is really such an illness, i read it!)



i really hate myself for being like this. i have good comrades. but why is my heart and mind so unpure? i think this is the 'residue' that keeps surfacing each time i try to do something to win in my life.


sidetrack: even though i thought i can forget about it, why do i feel strange each time? this is troubling. its because of my character that i feel troubled. sensei~ i cant put ur words into practice. im not a worthy disciple..